Living with a terminal illness is hardly any kind of life. You need to understand the percentage rate. My particular illness has a modus operandi. One falls asleep, the percentage is played.
Either I wake up in my bed, or I wake up in Heaven.
Yes, my illness has the Hallmark of killing while the patient is sleeping. Each and every night, I close my eyes to hopefully have a good dream. My illness pulls an invisible lever. If it comes up short, my life is over. I will die in my sleep.
Each and every time I wake up in my bed, and not in Heaven, I thank the Lord for letting me have one more day with my family here on Earth.
How can you make plans with such a thing? Oh yes, I’ll see you next Tuesday. Maybe. If I don’t die. Have a good day!
How does one tell the truth? I get approached by a nice person who wants to socialize. “Hey, how are you today?” <- That is a HARD question to answer.
They expect to hear the automatically regurgitated “Fine.” But that is a Lie. And God HATES any lie. So much so, to lie is actually a sin, and the wages of sin is death.
So I tell the truth. “I’m not in the hospital and I’m above ground!” And I say it in such a jovial manner, they tend to accept that unexpected answer with a grin and a nod.
But you can see the wheels turning behind their eyes. What in the Hell does he mean by that?
Sometimes, I get asked for clarity. I explain it. “I have a terminal illness, to say I’m fine is a lie, and I do not like lying to people. The fact I woke up still alive is my best situation. I can’t simply say I’m fine when I’m not.”
Others just keep going about their day, treating me like I’m too weird to talk to anymore.
So be it. I refuse to lie. I will never answer ‘Fine’ again to the routine nearly mindless question about my day.
Consider the pleasant fact that when YOU go to sleep tonight, the specter of Death isn’t standing there with a pair of dice, waiting for you to sleep so the dice can be cast. A winning toss for death means I wake up in Heaven.
When death doesn’t win, my family wins. That is how my day runs. See you all tomorrow.
Maybe.
Goodnight.
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